Alex Burger

So I wrote and actors performed a 10 minute play of mine last night.  It was part of an event in Johannesburg where 6 new plays were created and staged in 24 hours.  I thought my play was (or could be) a deeply cutting satire about the lethalness of white dominated theatre in South Africa.  Instead, what played before an audience of 100, was a light comedy about an eccentric theatre boss and his students.

 

 

I did my best, really. I tried to set up a bizarre universe of white theatre makers where their art vacillated between calisthenics and horribly overwrought recreations of melodramatic crap.  I created an ambitious young black man who wanders into this word, desperately wants to be a part, only to eventually make his way in and then get sucked down the vortex of their twisted and imminently self-referential world. Heck, I even littered the stage with dead bodies (in case you missed the point) that the apprentices have to drag out each day once the rehearsals will over.

But in the end, the play I watched was a light comedy.  Not bad, funny in its own way, but not what I had meant. It was partly the director (who told me the race stuff didn’t work and he took it out), partly the actors, partly the context, and of course my writing (after all they did perform some version of what I wrote).

The whole experiences leaves me intrigued, disconcerted about what theatre is and becomes when shared and lived (away from a perfect dream rattling in my head.)  I find it much cleaner just to imagine things, but when they get done (performed before a live audience) it gets messy.  Of course, that’s the point, right?  But then suddenly reality has to be shared, negotiated, and then I’m a little at a loss.  Can I critique the same space that I’m working in?  Can I communicate what feels like an impossibly real truth to people that don’t see or believe it?  How do I reach / connect / challenge in a way that will be heard?  I don’t know that I know . . .

 

 

 

It’s Easter and I’m having lunch with a sangoma. Sangomas are traditional healers in South Africa. He tells me the story of his calling: visions and dreams starting very young. For along time he wasn’t sure how to handle them. He’d have visitations by the ancestors when he was a boy: headaches and fits. Until he began to accept them, slowly, slowly and then things calmed down. Finally he apprenticed under a sangoma, until he officially became one.

 

I’m not a big one for the Easter holiday. It’s a four day holiday here in South Africa and I’ve been working right through it, avoiding church invitations, catching up on work meetings with other non-adherents. But strangely, this year, something turned in me. You see, I’ve changed recently, started letting go of things. I’m reminded of the Elizabeth Bishop poem, “One Art,” a poem she wrote at the loss of her long time partner.

 

            The art of losing isn’t hard to master
            Some things seem so filled with the intent to be lost
            That their loss is no disaster

 

I’ve always been afraid of losing: I’ve always been afraid of endings and beginnings. I have often preferred the uncertain middle, hedging my bets, hanging onto places and people. But something has changed in me recently, I’ve begun to let go: cut people out of my life, leave memories to be just that (rather than another alternative reality floating in my head), saying good bye to parts of me, old habits. Elizabeth Bishop again:

 

            Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
            places, and names, and where it was you meant
            to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

 

And the odd thing is, the thing I never knew is that in letting go I open up to new realities: new people, new loves, new dimensions of my life. I’m reminded again that the past doesn’t exist (I have a hard time with this one) neither does the future. What if everything I did was only the optional baggage of a life already lived that could be set down at any time?

 

            —Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
            I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
            the art of losing’s not too hard to master
            though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

 

So the strangest thing of all is that I am moved by this Easter holiday. It makes sense to me for the first time: this mass adoration of a figure and a set of stories (Jesus). Today it makes sense as a way of connecting to process of letting go (dying) and renewal (which can happen only after death). I’ve always been afraid of endings and beginnings, and in some ways, maybe I’ve been afraid of myself (as my sangoma friend was also.)

 

Here’s to death and renewal, endings and beginnings, emergence.

Happy Easter